132 parenting questions with no right answer

Looking back at how each of you was raised and deciding which parts you want to repeat and which you want to do differently.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Which parenting decisions need both of you to agree (big ones like medical care or schools) and which can be made by whichever parent is on duty (what to wear, snack, nap).

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What you will do when you each want something different and neither will budge.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you will tell each other what is working and what is not: in the moment, privately later, or on a regular check-in.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who or what you each trust when advice conflicts: your pediatrician, the official guidelines, a researcher or book, or your own judgment.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Making sure both of you have the same information: appointments, portal logins, contacts, schedules.

3 options · Your call · Around the birth

How you will keep your decisions current as your child grows, whether that means a set check-in, a review at each age, or only when something goes wrong.

4 options · Your call · Ongoing

How much of the day runs on adult-set schedules and rules versus following the child's own rhythms and interests.

3 options · Your call · 0–6 months

The one value you would put first if you had to choose: kindness, achievement, happiness, independence, or obedience and respect.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether your child fits into an adult-run household or the household is organized around the child's needs and schedule.

3 options · Your call · 0–6 months

How you divide work and care overall: one parent earning and one caring, a lead and a supporting parent, both working with outside help, or sharing equally.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Which of you will reduce hours, step back or change jobs to make family life work, and by what rule: lower earner, more flexible job, both a little, or neither.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How much time off you will each take around the birth or adoption, from a few weeks up to leaving work.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who gets up with the baby overnight, to feed, change and settle, and whether you split it, alternate nights or share it.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who notices, plans and remembers everything a child needs (appointments, clothes, forms, supplies), not just who does the tasks.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Which of you is called when your child is sick, needs to be picked up or has an appointment, and whether that is fixed, alternates or follows who has the more flexible day.

4 options · Your call · 6–12 months

How each of you keeps time for friends, hobbies, exercise or simply being alone, and whether that time is protected, requested, or put on hold.

4 options · Your call · Around the birth

How you will handle the stretches when one of you is away or working late: whether the home parent keeps their own rules, routines stay the same, backup is arranged, or the other parent makes up time later.

4 options · Your call · 6–12 months

Prenatal screening uses blood tests and ultrasound to estimate the chance of conditions such as Down syndrome; carrier screening checks whether you carry genes for inherited conditions; diagnostic tests (CVS and amniocentesis) take a sample for a definite answer.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you plan to handle labor pain, from a planned epidural to preparing for an unmedicated birth with a method such as Lamaze, Bradley or hypnobirthing.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

A cesarean is a surgical birth through the abdomen.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What happens to the placenta after birth: disposed of by the hospital, kept (for burial or as a keepsake), or prepared for consumption.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether to learn your baby's sex before birth, and if so when and whom you tell.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

When and how you tell people about the pregnancy and the baby, and whether you share on social media.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you will choose your baby's name and last name: one parent's surname, hyphenated, both, or a new one, and whether the given name honors someone.

6 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who comes to see the baby in the first weeks and on what terms, from an open door to no visitors for a set period, and any ground rules such as hand-washing.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What help you will have after the birth: just the two of you, family, or paid help during the day or overnight.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who will be your child's regular doctor: a pediatrician, a family doctor or a nurse practitioner, and what matters to you in choosing one.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether you will express breast milk, when you will introduce a bottle, and whether you would ever use donor milk from a milk bank or another person.

7 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How long you hope to breastfeed and whether and when to stop night feeds.

4 options · Your call · 6–12 months

Whether the first foods are spoon-fed purees, finger foods the baby picks up and feeds themselves (called baby-led weaning), or a mix of both.

4 options · Your call · 0–6 months

Whether you make your baby's food yourself, buy jars and pouches, or use some of each.

3 options · Your call · 0–6 months

What your baby sleeps in at first: a bedside bassinet, a crib from day one, or a portable play yard.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether and how to teach your baby to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own.

6 options · Your call · 0–6 months

Where your child sleeps once they are past infancy: their own room, a room shared with a sibling, or your bed, and whether they may come into yours at night.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether you use disposable diapers, cloth, or a mix, and whether you would try elimination communication, where you watch for the baby's cues and offer a potty instead of a diaper.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you carry your baby: in a carrier or wrap, in a stroller, or a mix, and whether you let the baby nap on you instead of in a crib.

3 options · Your call · Around the birth

How much equipment you buy, and whether you go minimal or fully equipped, new or second-hand.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether you teach your baby simple hand signs for things like milk or more before they can talk.

3 options · Your call · 6–12 months

How much children are expected to simply obey versus how much rules are explained, chosen or negotiated with them.

5 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether one parent is the disciplinarian, whoever is present handles it, or each parent does it in their own way.

3 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether you require a child to say sorry on the spot, coach them to, model it, or leave it to them.

4 options · Your call · Preschool

How you handle disputes over toys: requiring sharing on request, setting timed turns, letting a child keep a toy until done, or staying out of it.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

How you handle misbehavior in shops, restaurants and at other people's houses: same rules, removing the child, doing what gets you through, or avoiding hard situations.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

How you respond when a child answers back or speaks disrespectfully: zero tolerance, correcting the tone, or letting some of it go.

3 options · Your call · School age

How consequences change for older children: grounding, agreed consequences, contracts, natural consequences or mostly trust.

5 options · Your call · Teen

When you would involve a professional about your child's emotions or behavior: at early signs, after the pediatrician, or only if serious.

3 options · Your call · School age

Whether eating happens at set meal and snack times, on demand all day, or with no snacks at all.

3 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether you buy organic food for your family, all of it, selectively, or not at all.

3 options · Your call · 6–12 months

Whether and how often the family eats together, and whether screens are allowed at the table.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether the same rules apply at restaurants, parties and relatives' homes, or whether they relax.

3 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether you use treatments outside conventional medicine, such as herbal remedies, homeopathy or acupuncture, and how that fits with your pediatrician.

3 options · Your call · 6–12 months

Potty training, also called toilet training or toilet learning, is teaching a child to pee and poo in a potty or toilet instead of a diaper.

5 options · Your call · Toddler

How relaxed the household is about being undressed in front of children, and how body privacy changes as they grow.

3 options · Your call · Toddler

When children take over washing and personal care themselves, and how much you supervise.

3 options · Your call · School age

Which non-essential medical or cosmetic procedures you would allow for a child, such as braces for looks, cosmetic work or ear piercing.

3 options · Your call · School age

How thoroughly you childproof the home: gates, locks and anchors everywhere, only the most dangerous hazards, or minimal changes with teaching and watching.

3 options · Your call · 0–6 months

When your child is allowed to do things alone: play outside, walk to school, stay home, take public transport.

4 options · Your call · School age

Whether your child sleeps at other people's homes, and under what conditions.

4 options · Your call · School age

What you each agree to do or avoid while responsible for your child, such as drinking alcohol or using drugs.

3 options · Your call · Around the birth

Who looks after your child during the day in the early years: a parent at home, both parents working with paid care, or family helping.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What kind of care you would use: a daycare center, a home daycare, a nanny, a shared nanny or an au pair.

7 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who may look after your child when you are out, and how soon you start, from regular sitters to family only.

4 options · Your call · 0–6 months

When your baby first spends a night away from you, for example with grandparents.

4 options · Your call · 6–12 months

Preschools follow different teaching philosophies.

7 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether you enroll your baby or toddler in classes such as music, gym or early learning, and how many.

4 options · Your call · 0–6 months

What kind of school you choose: neighborhood public, public school of choice, charter, or private.

4 options · Your call · Preschool

Which language your child is taught in, such as English with some French, French immersion, or a bilingual program.

5 options · Your call · Preschool

Whether your child goes to a regular school or learns at home.

5 options · Your call · Preschool

The teaching approach: a mainstream curriculum, project-based learning, Montessori (child-led, hands-on) or Waldorf (arts and imagination), classical education (a structured, language- and logic-based approach), or the International Baccalaureate, an international program.

5 options · Your call · Preschool

How involved each of you is with your child's school: one parent handles it, you split tasks, or both attend everything.

3 options · Your call · School age

What you expect from your child's grades: top marks, their personal best, effort over results, or leaving it to them.

4 options · Your call · School age

What you expect your child to do after high school: university, any further training, trades, a gap year, or their own choice.

5 options · Your call · Teen

How much of your child's time is unstructured play versus scheduled activities and lessons, from mostly free play to a full calendar.

5 options · Your call · Preschool

How much time your child spends outdoors, from incidental to a daily habit in most weather to outdoor activity as a family identity.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

How serious sport becomes: not at all, just for fun, school teams, competitive clubs, or travel and elite programs.

5 options · Your call · School age

Whether and when your child learns an instrument: only if they ask, a trial period, required for some years, or required with enforced practice.

4 options · Your call · School age

What happens when your child wants to stop an activity: stop any time, finish the season, replace it with something else, or never quit core commitments.

4 options · Your call · School age

How summers are spent: unstructured at home, day camps, specialty camps, sleepaway camp, or academics and work for teens.

5 options · Your call · School age

Whether you share photos or videos of your child online and with whom, from nothing identifiable to a private album to open posting.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you set screen rules for school-age children: fixed minutes, weekday and weekend rules, rules about content and context, or letting the child regulate.

4 options · Your call · School age

What your child watches and whether you watch with them, including whether the TV is on in the background.

5 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether you use screens to get through hard moments, such as meals out, car trips or meltdowns.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether your child has their own tablet and what they watch, from none to a shared locked-down tablet to their own device.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether you use control software and a written plan, light controls with conversation, or rely on trust and talking.

3 options · Your call · School age

Whether you set phone and social media rules on your own or agree on them with other parents, a pledge or the school.

4 options · Your call · School age

Whether and how you check your child's messages or track their location, with their knowledge or not.

7 options · Your call · Tween

Whether and how your child may use AI for homework, from not allowed to research help only to following the teacher's policy.

4 options · Your call · Tween

How you talk to and protect your child about risks online, including sexting and pornography: blocking, conversation, or both.

4 options · Your call · Tween

Your general approach to how much your teenager decides for themselves: you decide, negotiate expanding freedom, or let them run their own domain.

3 options · Your call · Tween

When your teen may date and the rules around it, from no dating until 16 to group dating first to no fixed rules.

4 options · Your call · Tween

Whether a teen's boyfriend or girlfriend may stay the night at your home.

4 options · Your call · Teen

How you respond to the possibility that your teen tries drugs: zero tolerance, clear disapproval with honest information about harm, tolerance, or their choice.

4 options · Your call · Teen

How much say your teen has over how they look, including permanent changes like tattoos.

4 options · Your call · Tween

How you respond when you do not like your teen's friends: forbid contact, limit and supervise, or voice concern and stay out of it.

4 options · Your call · Tween

How much privacy your teen has in their room, phone and health care, including time alone with a doctor.

3 options · Your call · Tween

Planning for the cost of a baby and for any drop in income if one of you takes leave or cuts back.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether and how you save for your child's education.

4 options · Your call · 0–6 months

How your child learns to handle money: free spending, save-spend-give jars, a parent-matched savings plan, or a real bank account.

7 options · Your call · School age

How much your child learns about family money: nothing, general values and trade-offs, the budget, or income and net worth.

4 options · Your call · School age

How big birthday celebrations and gifts are: family only, a few friends, the whole class or a venue, and whether you ask for no gifts.

8 options · Your call · Toddler

At what age chores begin and how firmly you hold to them: from age two or three to the teens, and with routines and reminders or by invitation only.

7 options · Your call · Toddler

Who pays for large costs as your child grows: parents pay, a set contribution, matching, or the child pays.

4 options · Your call · Teen

When you teach your child about investing and how you plan to leave money: nothing until adulthood, concepts only, a small real account, helping during life, or a limited inheritance.

6 options · Your call · Teen

How much politeness you expect and teach: modeling it, prompting ("what do you say?"), requiring it, or formal etiquette.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

How you teach thanks and kindness about gifts: modeling it, a daily gratitude habit, required thank-you notes, or honest kindness.

6 options · Your call · Preschool

Your family's rule on swear words, from none for anyone to adults only to rules by context.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

Whether your child hears your political and moral views, several views, or none, and how you handle disagreement within the family.

4 options · Your call · School age

How you give your child a sense of meaning, awe and ethics outside religion: ethics conversations, nature and gratitude rituals, or a secular community.

4 options · Your call · School age

How you talk with your child about death, illness and frightening news: shielding them, answering simply when asked, or explaining proactively.

3 options · Your call · Preschool

How you respond to bullying and friendship problems: coaching your child, monitoring, going to the school, or changing the setting.

7 options · Your call · School age

Whether your family has pets and who is responsible for them, from no pet to a family pet the adults care for to the child's own pet.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How much travel is part of family life, from waiting until children are older to easy local trips to travel as a core value.

4 options · Your call · 6–12 months

What happens when grandparents follow different rules from yours about treats, screens, bedtimes or safety, and how you set boundaries.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you respond when relatives give advice you did not ask for, and who speaks to whose family when something needs to be said.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether grandparents provide childcare, how often, and whether it is paid or unpaid.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Where you choose to live in relation to family and work, including living near one set of grandparents or having relatives move closer.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you build a support network beyond family: paid help, swaps with friends and neighbors, parent groups, or an intentional community.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you split holidays between families: alternating years, splitting the day, hosting at home, new traditions of your own, or traveling.

5 options · Your call · Around the birth

Whether you name other adults with a special role in your child's life, such as secular godparents or mentors, besides the legal guardian.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you handle relatives whose beliefs or values differ from yours around your child: keeping topics off the table, letting the child hear both, explaining at home, or limiting exposure.

4 options · Your call · Preschool

How many children you each want and how you decide when your family is complete.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How your family might grow: biologically only, or also through adoption, fostering or fertility treatment.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether siblings have their own rooms or share, and by what rule: age, gender, or choice.

4 options · Your call · Toddler

A will states who gets your property, and where you name a guardian, the person who would legally raise your child if both of you died.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Protecting your family's finances if a parent dies or cannot work: life and disability insurance, who is named to receive the money, and an emergency savings fund.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Preparing for a baby who arrives early or needs intensive care.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Talking about how you would handle having a child with a disability or a developmental difference such as autism or ADHD, including work, care and schooling.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Talking about how you would respond if your child turns out different from what you imagined in personality, interests, abilities or gender expression.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you would handle big setbacks and changes while raising a child: broad principles or specific plans.

3 options · Your call · Ongoing

How you handle taking your child abroad, getting passports and moving away: either parent freely, notice and itineraries, or joint consent.

3 options · Your call · 0–6 months

Agreeing in advance on the principles you would follow if you ever separated, such as putting your child first and using mediation before court, and whether to write them down.

3 options · Your call · Ongoing