Authority: obedience or negotiation
How much children are expected to simply obey versus how much rules are explained, chosen or negotiated with them.
Should our child obey, or do we negotiate?
In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: "Because I said so"; Firm rules with explanation; Choices within limits; Most rules negotiated (Greene); Child-led. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: toddler.
Authority: obedience or negotiation: what are the options?
Parents usually land on one of these 5 approaches.
1. "Because I said so"
Children do what they are told without needing a reason.
2. Firm rules with explanation
The rules are fixed, and you explain why.
3. Choices within limits
The child chooses between options you are happy with.
4. Most rules negotiated (Greene)
You work out most rules together with the child.
5. Child-led
The child largely sets their own rules.
Authority: obedience or negotiation: what does the evidence say?
Your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.
AAP: clear, consistent rules, choices within limits, listen to the child
Sources
What else is worth knowing?
This is about how much say a child has. Some families expect compliance; others explain every rule or let children choose within limits. Where you sit often reflects how you were raised.
Questions to ask each other
- How much do we want our child to just do what we say?
- When is it okay for our child to argue with a rule?
- How will we explain our rules and still keep them?
More in Discipline and behavior
First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.