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Bullying and friendships

How you respond to bullying and friendship problems: coaching your child, monitoring, going to the school, or changing the setting.

What do we do if our child is bullied, or is the bully?

In short: Parents choose between 7 main approaches: Coach the child to handle it; Coach and monitor; Go to the school; Change the setting; hands-off on friends; Engineer opportunities; Coach social skills; Veto power. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: school age.

Evidence
Your call
Best settled
School age
Part of
The family system

Bullying and friendships: what are the options?

Parents usually land on one of these 7 approaches.

  1. 1. Coach the child to handle it

    You teach the child what to say and do, and let them handle it.

  2. 2. Coach and monitor

    You teach the child and keep watch.

  3. 3. Go to the school

    You raise it with the teacher or principal.

  4. 4. Change the setting; hands-off on friends

    You move the child to another class or school. On friendships, you do not get involved.

  5. 5. Engineer opportunities

    You arrange playdates and activities to help friendships form.

  6. 6. Coach social skills

    You teach the child how to join in and get along.

  7. 7. Veto power

    You can end a friendship you think is harmful.

Bullying and friendships: what does the evidence say?

Your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.

No guidance retrieved; 35% of US parents are very worried about bullying

Sources

What else is worth knowing?

Bullying is repeated, deliberate harm by someone with more power. Parents choose when to coach the child and when to go to the school. A related question is how much you shape your child's friendships at all.

Questions to ask each other

  • Were we bullied or did we bully?
  • What would we do if our child is the target, and if our child is doing it?
  • When would we call the school?

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First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.