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Roles, work and the couple: 12 decisions to make together

Who does what, who scales back at work, and how you protect your relationship once there are three of you.

  1. 1. Partnership model

    How you divide work and care overall: one parent earning and one caring, a lead and a supporting parent, both working with outside help, or sharing equally.

    5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

  2. 2. Who scales back at work

    Which of you will reduce hours, step back or change jobs to make family life work, and by what rule: lower earner, more flexible job, both a little, or neither.

    5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

  3. 3. Parental leave length

    How much time off you will each take around the birth or adoption, from a few weeks up to leaving work.

    5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

  4. 4. How leave is split

    How the time off is divided between you: all by the birth parent, an overlap, a solo block for the other parent, or roughly equal.

    4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

  5. 5. Night duty

    Who gets up with the baby overnight, to feed, change and settle, and whether you split it, alternate nights or share it.

    5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

  6. 6. Mental load and task ownership

    Who notices, plans and remembers everything a child needs (appointments, clothes, forms, supplies), not just who does the tasks.

    4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

  7. 7. Default parent for sick days, school and doctor

    Which of you is called when your child is sick, needs to be picked up or has an appointment, and whether that is fixed, alternates or follows who has the more flexible day.

    4 options · Your call · 6–12 months

  8. 8. Protecting the couple relationship

    How you will make time for each other as a couple once a baby arrives, from date nights to small daily rituals, rather than waiting until there is time.

    4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

  9. 9. Intimacy after the birth

    How you will approach physical closeness and sex after the baby arrives, including recovery, timing, and talking about it.

    3 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

  10. 10. Each parent's own time and identity

    How each of you keeps time for friends, hobbies, exercise or simply being alone, and whether that time is protected, requested, or put on hold.

    4 options · Your call · Around the birth

  11. 11. Burnout prevention

    What you will do to avoid running yourselves into the ground: scheduled rest, lowering standards, or buying or asking for help.

    4 options · Evidence leans one way · 0–6 months

  12. 12. When one parent travels or works long hours

    How you will handle the stretches when one of you is away or working late: whether the home parent keeps their own rules, routines stay the same, backup is arranged, or the other parent makes up time later.

    4 options · Your call · 6–12 months