How we decide together: 12 decisions to make together
Who decides what, how ties break, and what each of you wants to repeat or avoid from your own childhood.
1. Family-of-origin reflection
Looking back at how each of you was raised and deciding which parts you want to repeat and which you want to do differently.
4 options · Your call · During pregnancy
2. Major versus day-to-day decision rights
Which parenting decisions need both of you to agree (big ones like medical care or schools) and which can be made by whichever parent is on duty (what to wear, snack, nap).
4 options · Your call · During pregnancy
3. Tie-breaking when we disagree
What you will do when you each want something different and neither will budge.
5 options · Your call · During pregnancy
4. United front
Whether you back each other up in front of your child even when you disagree, and where the exceptions are.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy
5. Standards and gatekeeping
Whose way of doing things counts as "right" for everyday care, such as how to swaddle or what bedtime looks like, and whether the other parent is free to do it differently without being corrected.
3 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy
6. Feedback on each other's parenting
How you will tell each other what is working and what is not: in the moment, privately later, or on a regular check-in.
4 options · Your call · During pregnancy
7. Disagreeing in front of the child
Whether your child will see you disagree, and how: never, calmly with a visible resolution, or without a filter.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · Toddler
8. Default source of guidance
Who or what you each trust when advice conflicts: your pediatrician, the official guidelines, a researcher or book, or your own judgment.
4 options · Your call · During pregnancy
9. Shared developmental expectations
Having the same picture of what a baby, toddler or child can realistically do at each age, so one of you is not expecting a two-year-old to behave like a five-year-old.
3 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy
10. Information symmetry
Making sure both of you have the same information: appointments, portal logins, contacts, schedules.
3 options · Your call · Around the birth
11. Preparing together
Whether you will get ready for parenthood as a couple, from nothing formal to books, a class, or counseling, and what that preparation looks like.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy
12. Revisiting agreements
How you will keep your decisions current as your child grows, whether that means a set check-in, a review at each age, or only when something goes wrong.
4 options · Your call · Ongoing