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Discipline and behavior: 16 decisions to make together

Time-outs, consequences, rewards, yelling, tantrums — the area couples disagree about most.

  1. 1. Physical punishment

    Whether you would ever spank or hit a child as discipline, from never to occasionally to routinely.

    4 options · Well established · Toddler

  2. 2. Time-out or time-in

    How you respond when a child is out of control: a time-out (the child is separated for a short time), a time-in (you stay with them and talk), or something else.

    4 options · Experts disagree · Toddler

  3. 3. Consequences

    What happens after a child breaks a rule: letting natural results happen, a related consequence, taking away a privilege, an unrelated punishment, or solving the problem together.

    5 options · Experts disagree · Toddler

  4. 4. Rewards and sticker charts

    Whether you use rewards, like stickers or treats, to encourage behavior, or avoid them.

    4 options · Experts disagree · Toddler

  5. 5. Praise

    How you tell a child they have done well: lots of enthusiastic praise, specific praise, praise for effort, or low-key acknowledgment.

    5 options · Experts disagree · Toddler

  6. 6. Yelling and harsh words

    Whether you raise your voice or use harsh words when frustrated, and what you do afterward.

    4 options · Well established · Toddler

  7. 7. Tantrums

    How you respond when a toddler has a meltdown: ignoring it, staying nearby, helping them name the feeling, distracting them, or giving in.

    5 options · Experts disagree · Toddler

  8. 8. Toddler hitting and biting

    How you respond when a toddler hits or bites, which is common at this age: stopping and removing them, a time-out or a time-in.

    3 options · Evidence leans one way · Toddler

  9. 9. Authority: obedience or negotiation

    How much children are expected to simply obey versus how much rules are explained, chosen or negotiated with them.

    5 options · Your call · Toddler

  10. 10. Who disciplines

    Whether one parent is the disciplinarian, whoever is present handles it, or each parent does it in their own way.

    3 options · Your call · Toddler

  11. 11. Lying

    How you respond when a child lies: punishing the lie, giving credit for honesty, making truth-telling safe, or treating it as normal development.

    4 options · Evidence leans one way · Preschool

  12. 12. Apologies

    Whether you require a child to say sorry on the spot, coach them to, model it, or leave it to them.

    4 options · Your call · Preschool

  13. 13. Sharing and toy-taking

    How you handle disputes over toys: requiring sharing on request, setting timed turns, letting a child keep a toy until done, or staying out of it.

    4 options · Your call · Toddler

  14. 14. Discipline in public

    How you handle misbehavior in shops, restaurants and at other people's houses: same rules, removing the child, doing what gets you through, or avoiding hard situations.

    4 options · Your call · Toddler

  15. 15. Backtalk

    How you respond when a child answers back or speaks disrespectfully: zero tolerance, correcting the tone, or letting some of it go.

    3 options · Your call · School age

  16. 16. Discipline for teens

    How consequences change for older children: grounding, agreed consequences, contracts, natural consequences or mostly trust.

    5 options · Your call · Teen