Family-of-origin reflection
Looking back at how each of you was raised and deciding which parts you want to repeat and which you want to do differently. Most of your instincts as a parent come from here, so it helps to say them out loud.
How does the way we were each raised shape how we parent?
In short: Parents choose between 4 main approaches: Raise them as I was raised; Keep some, change some; Deliberately different; Never examined. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: during pregnancy.
- Evidence
- Your call
- Best settled
- During pregnancy
- Part of
- How we work as a team
Family-of-origin reflection: what are the options?
Parents usually land on one of these 4 approaches.
1. Raise them as I was raised
You plan to parent much the way your own parents did, because it worked for you.
2. Keep some, change some
You keep the parts you valued and deliberately change the parts you did not.
3. Deliberately different
You want to do it very differently from how you were raised.
4. Never examined
You have not really thought about how your upbringing shapes your parenting.
Family-of-origin reflection: what does the evidence say?
Your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.
Gottman exercise: each lists three to five things to repeat and to avoid. Fathers lean toward "similar" (47%), mothers toward "different" (48%)
Sources
What else is worth knowing?
Each of you carries a picture of what a parent does that was drawn by your own childhood, and you usually do not notice it until it clashes with your partner's. Naming three things to repeat and three to change, each, makes later disagreements easier to understand. It is a starting point, not a verdict on your parents.
Questions to ask each other
- What is one thing from your childhood you want to repeat with our child, and one you want to do differently?
- When you picture yourself losing patience with our child, whose voice do you hear?
- Is there anything about how I was raised that worries you or that you admire?
More in How we decide together
First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.