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If the child is not who we expected (temperament, interests, ability, gender expression)

Talking about how you would respond if your child turns out different from what you imagined in personality, interests, abilities or gender expression.

What if our child turns out different from what we expected?

In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: Adapt our expectations to the child; Hold expectations, adjust methods; Steer the child toward our hopes. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: during pregnancy.

Evidence
Your call
Best settled
During pregnancy
Part of
The family system

If the child is not who we expected: what are the options?

Parents usually land on one of these 3 approaches.

  1. 1. Adapt our expectations to the child

    You change what you hoped for to fit the child you have.

  2. 2. Hold expectations, adjust methods

    You keep your hopes and change how you get there.

  3. 3. Steer the child toward our hopes

    You guide the child toward what you had in mind.

If the child is not who we expected: what does the evidence say?

Your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.

No source reviewed asks this directly; a gap in the field

What else is worth knowing?

Every parent imagines a child, and the real child is always different in some way. The question is how much you adjust your hopes and how much you steer. Naming your expectations now makes them easier to notice later.

Questions to ask each other

  • What do we imagine our child will be like and where do those pictures come from?
  • How would we respond if they were very different?
  • How do we make sure they feel loved as they are?

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First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.