Top-priority value
The one value you would put first if you had to choose: kindness, achievement, happiness, independence, or obedience and respect. It quietly steers many everyday decisions.
What matters most to us in raising our child?
In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: Kindness first; Achievement first; Happiness first; Independence first; Respect and obedience first. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: during pregnancy.
- Evidence
- Your call
- Best settled
- During pregnancy
- Part of
- How we work as a team
Top-priority value: what are the options?
Parents usually land on one of these 5 approaches.
1. Kindness first
Being caring and considerate toward others comes before everything else.
2. Achievement first
Doing well at school and in activities is the main goal.
3. Happiness first
Your child's happiness is what matters most.
4. Independence first
Being able to think and manage for themselves is the priority.
5. Respect and obedience first
Listening to adults and showing respect comes first.
Top-priority value: what does the evidence say?
Your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.
About 80% of 10,000 students said their parents care more about achievement or happiness than about caring for others
Sources
What else is worth knowing?
You probably want all of these for your child, but everyday decisions often force a choice between them, such as kindness versus winning, or obedience versus speaking up. Naming your first priority, and seeing whether your partner names the same one, makes those moments easier.
Questions to ask each other
- If you could pick only one quality for our child to have, what would it be?
- Which of those would you trade off if you had to?
- How do we show that value in what we do, not just what we say?
More in Parenting philosophy and goals
First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.