Each parent's own time and identity
How each of you keeps time for friends, hobbies, exercise or simply being alone, and whether that time is protected, requested, or put on hold.
How does each of us keep time for ourselves as a parent?
In short: Parents choose between 4 main approaches: On hold in the early years; Equal protected hours; Ask as needed; Buy care to create it. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: around the birth.
- Evidence
- Your call
- Best settled
- Around the birth
- Part of
- How we work as a team
Each parent's own time and identity: what are the options?
Parents usually land on one of these 4 approaches.
1. On hold in the early years
Personal time waits until the children are older.
2. Equal protected hours
Each of you gets the same amount of guaranteed time off each week.
3. Ask as needed
Either of you asks for time when you need it.
4. Buy care to create it
You pay for childcare so both of you get time.
Each parent's own time and identity: what does the evidence say?
Your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.
Husbands report more leisure than wives even in equal-earner marriages
Sources
What else is worth knowing?
Time for friends, exercise, interests or rest is easy to lose with a baby, and often one parent loses more. Agreeing how personal time is protected keeps resentment from building. It also models for a child that adults have lives of their own.
Questions to ask each other
- What do you need to keep doing to still feel like yourself?
- How much time alone or with friends would feel reasonable each week?
- How do we make sure both of us get it, not just whoever asks?
More in Roles, work and the couple
First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.