98 parenting decisions to make before the baby arrives

Looking back at how each of you was raised and deciding which parts you want to repeat and which you want to do differently.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Which parenting decisions need both of you to agree (big ones like medical care or schools) and which can be made by whichever parent is on duty (what to wear, snack, nap).

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What you will do when you each want something different and neither will budge.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether you back each other up in front of your child even when you disagree, and where the exceptions are.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Whose way of doing things counts as "right" for everyday care, such as how to swaddle or what bedtime looks like, and whether the other parent is free to do it differently without being corrected.

3 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

How you will tell each other what is working and what is not: in the moment, privately later, or on a regular check-in.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who or what you each trust when advice conflicts: your pediatrician, the official guidelines, a researcher or book, or your own judgment.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Having the same picture of what a baby, toddler or child can realistically do at each age, so one of you is not expecting a two-year-old to behave like a five-year-old.

3 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Making sure both of you have the same information: appointments, portal logins, contacts, schedules.

3 options · Your call · Around the birth

Whether you will get ready for parenthood as a couple, from nothing formal to books, a class, or counseling, and what that preparation looks like.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Researchers describe parenting styles by two things: warmth and demands.

3 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

The one value you would put first if you had to choose: kindness, achievement, happiness, independence, or obedience and respect.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you divide work and care overall: one parent earning and one caring, a lead and a supporting parent, both working with outside help, or sharing equally.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Which of you will reduce hours, step back or change jobs to make family life work, and by what rule: lower earner, more flexible job, both a little, or neither.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How much time off you will each take around the birth or adoption, from a few weeks up to leaving work.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How the time off is divided between you: all by the birth parent, an overlap, a solo block for the other parent, or roughly equal.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Who gets up with the baby overnight, to feed, change and settle, and whether you split it, alternate nights or share it.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who notices, plans and remembers everything a child needs (appointments, clothes, forms, supplies), not just who does the tasks.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you will make time for each other as a couple once a baby arrives, from date nights to small daily rituals, rather than waiting until there is time.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

How you will approach physical closeness and sex after the baby arrives, including recovery, timing, and talking about it.

3 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

How each of you keeps time for friends, hobbies, exercise or simply being alone, and whether that time is protected, requested, or put on hold.

4 options · Your call · Around the birth

Prenatal screening uses blood tests and ultrasound to estimate the chance of conditions such as Down syndrome; carrier screening checks whether you carry genes for inherited conditions; diagnostic tests (CVS and amniocentesis) take a sample for a definite answer.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Vaccines in pregnancy (flu, COVID-19, whooping cough) pass protection to the baby.

4 options · Well established · During pregnancy

Who will look after you in pregnancy and birth (an obstetrician or a midwife) and whether you will add a doula, a trained person who gives continuous support during labor.

4 options · Well established · During pregnancy

Where you want to give birth: a hospital, a birth center attached to a hospital, a freestanding birth center, or at home.

4 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

Who will be in charge of your care in pregnancy and birth: an obstetrician (a surgeon who handles complications), a midwife (a specialist in normal birth, in a hospital, birth center or at home), a family doctor who delivers babies, or a team that shares the care.

5 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Which hospital you plan to give birth in, and what to compare: how close it is, how advanced its newborn intensive-care unit is, its cesarean rate, and its policies on visitors, doulas and rooming-in.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Whether you would plan to give birth at home with a trained attendant.

4 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

Whether you would use a tub or pool in labor, and whether you would plan to actually deliver the baby underwater.

3 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

How you plan to handle labor pain, from a planned epidural to preparing for an unmedicated birth with a method such as Lamaze, Bradley or hypnobirthing.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Induction means using medication or other methods to start labor rather than waiting for it to begin.

4 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

A cesarean is a surgical birth through the abdomen.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether to wait a short time after birth before the umbilical cord is clamped, so more blood passes from the placenta to the baby.

3 options · Well established · During pregnancy

Whether to collect blood from the umbilical cord at birth for possible future medical use: do nothing, donate to a public bank, or pay a private bank to store it.

3 options · Well established · During pregnancy

What happens to the placenta after birth: disposed of by the hospital, kept (for burial or as a keepsake), or prepared for consumption.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether to learn your baby's sex before birth, and if so when and whom you tell.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How much you want to spell out in advance about your birth: a detailed written plan, a short list of priorities, trusting the care team, or no plan.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Who will be with you during labor and birth: just the two of you, a doula, a family member, or more people.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

When and how you tell people about the pregnancy and the baby, and whether you share on social media.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you will choose your baby's name and last name: one parent's surname, hyphenated, both, or a new one, and whether the given name honors someone.

6 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Who comes to see the baby in the first weeks and on what terms, from an open door to no visitors for a set period, and any ground rules such as hand-washing.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What help you will have after the birth: just the two of you, family, or paid help during the day or overnight.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Knowing the signs of postpartum depression and anxiety (in either of you) and agreeing in advance who will speak up and what support you will arrange.

3 options · Well established · During pregnancy

Whether your newborn gets vitamin K, which helps blood clot, and in what form.

3 options · Well established · Around the birth

Whether your newborn receives antibiotic ointment in the eyes soon after birth, a routine step in many hospitals meant to prevent certain eye infections.

3 options · Experts disagree · Around the birth

Hepatitis B is a virus that infects the liver and can pass from a mother to her baby at birth.

4 options · Guidance changing · Around the birth

Newborn screening is a set of quick tests done in the first days of life to catch rare but treatable conditions: a drop of blood from the baby's heel, a hearing test, and a pulse-oxygen check for heart defects.

2 options · Well established · Around the birth

Whether to have a baby boy's foreskin removed in the newborn period, or to leave it and let him decide later.

3 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

Which childhood vaccines your baby gets and on what timetable in the first year.

5 options · Guidance changing · During pregnancy

Who will be your child's regular doctor: a pediatrician, a family doctor or a nurse practitioner, and what matters to you in choosing one.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What your baby drinks in the first months: breast milk (from the breast or a bottle), formula, or a mix.

4 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

What the parent who is not feeding the baby from the breast does at feeds and around them: diapers, burping, settling, bottles or night feeds.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Whether you feed the baby whenever they show hunger cues, on a loose rhythm, or by the clock.

4 options · Well established · Around the birth

Whether you will express breast milk, when you will introduce a bottle, and whether you would ever use donor milk from a milk bank or another person.

7 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether your baby uses a pacifier (dummy) and when to introduce it, for example from birth, after feeding is established, or only for sleep.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · Around the birth

The baseline rules for putting a baby to sleep: on their back, on a firm flat surface, with nothing else in the sleep space.

1 options · Well established · Around the birth

How long your baby sleeps in the same room as you (in a separate bed) before moving to their own room.

4 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

Bed-sharing means your baby sleeps in the same bed as an adult.

4 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

What your baby sleeps in at first: a bedside bassinet, a crib from day one, or a portable play yard.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether to wrap your baby snugly in a blanket for sleep, and when to stop, which is usually when they begin to roll.

3 options · Well established · Around the birth

Whether you use a baby monitor and what kind: none, audio, video, or a wearable device that tracks vital signs.

4 options · Well established · During pregnancy

How quickly and how you respond when your baby cries: immediately every time, after a pause to observe, or letting them fuss for set periods.

3 options · Well established · Around the birth

Tummy time is placing a baby on their stomach while awake and watched, to strengthen the neck and shoulders.

3 options · Well established · Around the birth

Whether you use disposable diapers, cloth, or a mix, and whether you would try elimination communication, where you watch for the baby's cues and offer a potty instead of a diaper.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you carry your baby: in a carrier or wrap, in a stroller, or a mix, and whether you let the baby nap on you instead of in a crib.

3 options · Your call · Around the birth

How much equipment you buy, and whether you go minimal or fully equipped, new or second-hand.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether you keep a record of feeds, naps and diapers, and how: not at all, on paper, in an app, or with wearable devices.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · Around the birth

How long a child stays in each type of car seat, including rear-facing as long as possible versus switching at the legal minimum.

3 options · Well established · During pregnancy

Whether there are guns in your home and how they are stored, and whether you ask about guns in other homes before playdates.

3 options · Well established · During pregnancy

What you each agree to do or avoid while responsible for your child, such as drinking alcohol or using drugs.

3 options · Your call · Around the birth

Who looks after your child during the day in the early years: a parent at home, both parents working with paid care, or family helping.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

What kind of care you would use: a daycare center, a home daycare, a nanny, a shared nanny or an au pair.

7 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How old your child is when they start spending time in group care, from under six months to not until preschool.

5 options · Experts disagree · During pregnancy

What kind of toys you buy and how many: few, open-ended, rotated, a mix with electronic toys, or plenty.

5 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

How reading fits into family life: reading aloud daily from birth, a bedtime story, books available for the child to pick up, or reading targets and rewards.

4 options · Well established · Around the birth

Which languages your child hears and speaks at home and how you pass on a second language: one parent one language, a minority language at home, or classes and immersion.

5 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Whether you share photos or videos of your child online and with whom, from nothing identifiable to a private album to open posting.

5 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you use your own phones around your child: phone-free time with them, set zones and times, or no particular rules.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · Around the birth

Planning for the cost of a baby and for any drop in income if one of you takes leave or cuts back.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether you follow traditional ideas about what boys and girls play with and wear, follow your child's preferences, mix deliberately, or raise children without gender expectations.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

The regular practices that make your family yours, such as holidays, meals and bedtime customs, and whether you inherit them, blend both families' or invent new ones.

3 options · Evidence leans one way · Around the birth

Whether your family has pets and who is responsible for them, from no pet to a family pet the adults care for to the child's own pet.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How involved grandparents are in your child's life, from occasional visits to regular presence to providing childcare to living with you.

4 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

What happens when grandparents follow different rules from yours about treats, screens, bedtimes or safety, and how you set boundaries.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you respond when relatives give advice you did not ask for, and who speaks to whose family when something needs to be said.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Whether grandparents provide childcare, how often, and whether it is paid or unpaid.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Where you choose to live in relation to family and work, including living near one set of grandparents or having relatives move closer.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you build a support network beyond family: paid help, swaps with friends and neighbors, parent groups, or an intentional community.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How you split holidays between families: alternating years, splitting the day, hosting at home, new traditions of your own, or traveling.

5 options · Your call · Around the birth

Whether you name other adults with a special role in your child's life, such as secular godparents or mentors, besides the legal guardian.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How many children you each want and how you decide when your family is complete.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

How your family might grow: biologically only, or also through adoption, fostering or fertility treatment.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

A will states who gets your property, and where you name a guardian, the person who would legally raise your child if both of you died.

4 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Protecting your family's finances if a parent dies or cannot work: life and disability insurance, who is named to receive the money, and an emergency savings fund.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Preparing for a baby who arrives early or needs intensive care.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Talking before it happens about how you would each want to grieve and whom you would tell if a pregnancy ended in miscarriage or stillbirth.

2 options · Evidence leans one way · During pregnancy

Talking about how you would handle having a child with a disability or a developmental difference such as autism or ADHD, including work, care and schooling.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy

Talking about how you would respond if your child turns out different from what you imagined in personality, interests, abilities or gender expression.

3 options · Your call · During pregnancy