27 parenting decisions for the tween and teen years
Ages 10–18. These are the decisions that come up at this stage, grouped by area.
In short
There are 27 decisions at this stage. 2 of them are cornerstone decisions that shape many others, so start with those. For each one, the page linked below gives the options parents choose between, how strong the evidence is, and questions to ask each other.
Discipline and behavior
- Discipline for teens
How consequences change for older children: grounding, agreed consequences, contracts, natural consequences or mostly trust.
5 options · Your call · Teen
Food and eating
- Caffeine and energy drinks
Whether teens may have coffee, tea or energy drinks, from none until adulthood to a little to no rules.
4 options · Well established · Tween
School and academics
- Boarding school
Whether you would ever send a child to live at school, and from what age.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · Tween
- Post-secondary expectations
What you expect your child to do after high school: university, any further training, trades, a gap year, or their own choice.
5 options · Your call · Teen
Screens, phones and digital life
- First device and first smartphone
When your child gets their first phone and what kind, from a smartwatch or basic phone to a full smartphone.
4 options · Experts disagree · Tween
- Social media start age
The age at which your child may have social media accounts, from the platform minimum of 13 to later at 15, 16 or 18.
5 options · Guidance changing · Tween
- Phones in bedrooms and at school
Whether phones stay out of bedrooms overnight and how phones are handled during the school day.
5 options · Evidence leans one way · Tween
- Monitoring messages and location
Whether and how you check your child's messages or track their location, with their knowledge or not.
7 options · Your call · Tween
- AI for schoolwork
Whether and how your child may use AI for homework, from not allowed to research help only to following the teacher's policy.
4 options · Your call · Tween
- Online safety, sexting and pornography
How you talk to and protect your child about risks online, including sexting and pornography: blocking, conversation, or both.
4 options · Your call · Tween
The teen years
- Default autonomy stance
Your general approach to how much your teenager decides for themselves: you decide, negotiate expanding freedom, or let them run their own domain.
3 options · Your call · Tween
- Sex education: message
What you tell your teen about sex: abstinence, delaying while knowing about contraception, comprehensive and consent-focused, or a readiness-based approach.
4 options · Well established · Tween
- Dating age and rules
When your teen may date and the rules around it, from no dating until 16 to group dating first to no fixed rules.
4 options · Your call · Tween
- A partner sleeping over
Whether a teen's boyfriend or girlfriend may stay the night at your home.
4 options · Your call · Teen
- Contraception access
Whether and how your teen can get contraception: not provided, available if asked, arranged proactively, or managed confidentially by the teen.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · Teen
- Alcohol
What you allow around alcohol: none until the legal age, small sips on occasion, supervised drinking at home, or permissive with safety rules.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · Teen
- Cannabis, vaping and other drugs
How you respond to the possibility that your teen tries drugs: zero tolerance, clear disapproval with honest information about harm, tolerance, or their choice.
4 options · Your call · Teen
- Parties and curfews
How you handle going out: unsupervised parties, curfews, check-in rules, and what happens if they need a ride home.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · Teen
- Driving
When and how your teen gets a license and the rules for driving, including a written family agreement.
4 options · Well established · Teen
- Car access and costs
Whether your teen has their own car or shares the family car, and who pays for the car and insurance.
3 options · Evidence leans one way · Teen
- Teen jobs
Whether your teen works during school years, from no job to summer only to part-time during the school year.
4 options · Evidence leans one way · Teen
- Appearance: hair, clothes, piercings, tattoos
How much say your teen has over how they look, including permanent changes like tattoos.
4 options · Your call · Tween
- Friends the parents dislike
How you respond when you do not like your teen's friends: forbid contact, limit and supervise, or voice concern and stay out of it.
4 options · Your call · Tween
- Teen privacy and confidential care
How much privacy your teen has in their room, phone and health care, including time alone with a doctor.
3 options · Your call · Tween
- If a child comes out or questions gender
How you would respond if your child tells you they are gay or transgender, or are questioning their gender identity.
4 options · Experts disagree · Tween
Money, chores and responsibility
- Who pays for big items (phone, car, university)
Who pays for large costs as your child grows: parents pay, a set contribution, matching, or the child pays.
4 options · Your call · Teen
- Investing lessons and inheritance
When you teach your child about investing and how you plan to leave money: nothing until adulthood, concepts only, a small real account, helping during life, or a limited inheritance.
6 options · Your call · Teen
Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.