Standards and gatekeeping
Whose way of doing things counts as "right" for everyday care, such as how to swaddle or what bedtime looks like, and whether the other parent is free to do it differently without being corrected.
Whose way of doing things counts when we each do it differently?
In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: One parent sets the standard; Agreed minimum standard; Whoever does it, does it their way. Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: during pregnancy.
- Evidence
- Evidence leans one way
- Best settled
- During pregnancy
- Part of
- How we work as a team
Standards and gatekeeping: what are the options?
Parents usually land on one of these 3 approaches.
1. One parent sets the standard
One of you defines the right way to do things and the other follows it.
2. Agreed minimum standard
You agree on a basic standard everyone meets, and leave the rest to whoever is doing it.
3. Whoever does it, does it their way
Whoever is doing the task decides how, and the other does not correct them.
Standards and gatekeeping: what does the evidence say?
Evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.
Encouragement raised father involvement more than criticism lowered it
Sources
What else is worth knowing?
When one parent corrects how the other does everyday care, the corrected parent often does less of it. The question is whether there is one right way or simply a minimum that must be met. This matters most in the newborn weeks, when habits form quickly.
Questions to ask each other
- Is there anything about baby care you think there is only one right way to do?
- How would you feel if I did it differently from you and it still worked fine?
- What is a minimum standard we both need to follow, and what is up to whoever is doing it?
More in How we decide together
First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.