United front

United front: what are the options?

Parents usually land on one of these 4 approaches.

1. 1. Always back the other in the moment, discuss later

   You support whatever the other parent says in the moment and raise disagreements later in private.

2. 2. Back unless a safety or values line is crossed

   You back each other up unless something unsafe or against your core values is happening.

3. 3. Each handles own interactions

   Each of you handles your own moments with the child, and the other stays out of it.

4. 4. Child may appeal to the other parent

   If your child disagrees with one parent's decision, they can ask the other.

United front: what does the evidence say?

Evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

Coparenting cooperation and agreement show small but significant links to fewer child problems across 59 studies

Sources

• Teubert & Pinquart

What else is worth knowing?

Children quickly learn to go to the parent who will say yes. Backing each other in the moment keeps rules consistent, but it can feel dishonest if you truly disagree. Most couples settle on supporting each other in front of the child with a small number of stated exceptions.

Questions to ask each other

• If I disagree with how you handled something, do you want me to speak up right then or wait?
• Are there things where we should always back each other, and things where we should not?
• How should our child be able to tell that we are on the same team?

More in How we decide together

• Family-of-origin reflection
• Major versus day-to-day decision rights
• Tie-breaking when we disagree
• Standards and gatekeeping
• Feedback on each other's parenting
• Disagreeing in front of the child
• Default source of guidance
• Shared developmental expectations
• Information symmetry
• Preparing together
• Revisiting agreements