Shared developmental expectations

Shared developmental expectations: what are the options?

Parents usually land on one of these 3 approaches.

1. 1. Learn together (class, book, milestone checklists)

   You both learn what to expect at each age, through a class, a book or milestone lists.

2. 2. One parent is the researcher

   One of you reads up and passes on what matters to the other.

3. 3. Learn as we go

   You figure it out as your child grows, without studying ahead.

Shared developmental expectations: what does the evidence say?

Evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

56% of parents think children have impulse control before 3; it develops at 3.5 to 4

Sources

• ZERO TO THREE

What else is worth knowing?

A lot of conflict between parents, and with children, comes from expecting more than a child can do at that age. Having the same information about what is typical means you respond to the same behavior in the same way. It also makes it easier to tell when something needs a professional opinion.

Questions to ask each other

• What do you expect a baby or toddler to be able to do at each age, and where did you learn that?
• Should we both take a class or read the same book so we start from the same picture?
• What is a behavior you think is a problem that might just be normal for the age?

More in How we decide together

• Family-of-origin reflection
• Major versus day-to-day decision rights
• Tie-breaking when we disagree
• United front
• Standards and gatekeeping
• Feedback on each other's parenting
• Disagreeing in front of the child
• Default source of guidance
• Information symmetry
• Preparing together
• Revisiting agreements