Disagreeing in front of the child

Disagreeing in front of the child: what are the options?

Parents usually land on one of these 4 approaches.

1. 1. Never

   Your child never sees you disagree; all of it happens in private.

2. 2. Calm disagreement visible, heated conflict private

   Your child may see calm disagreement, but arguments happen away from them.

3. 3. Open with visible resolution

   You disagree openly and make sure your child also sees you work it out.

4. 4. No filter

   You argue as you normally would, without changing anything for the child.

Disagreeing in front of the child: what does the evidence say?

Evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

Avoiding hostile, escalating conflict matters more than staging constructive conflict

Sources

• research synthesis

What else is worth knowing?

Children are affected less by seeing parents disagree than by how the disagreement goes and whether it gets resolved. This is about what your child will see and hear, and whether they also see you make up. Topics about the child themselves are often kept private.

Questions to ask each other

• What did you see your own parents do when they disagreed, and how did it feel?
• Are there topics we should never argue about in front of our child?
• If we do argue in front of them, how do we show them that we made up?

More in How we decide together

• Family-of-origin reflection
• Major versus day-to-day decision rights
• Tie-breaking when we disagree
• United front
• Standards and gatekeeping
• Feedback on each other's parenting
• Default source of guidance
• Shared developmental expectations
• Information symmetry
• Preparing together
• Revisiting agreements