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Guide

48 questions to ask your partner before having a baby

Ask these out loud, one at a time. There are no right answers. The point is to hear where your partner stands before a decision is due.

In short

These 48 questions come from the 16 cornerstone decisions that are best settled before the birth, in 10 areas. If you only have ten minutes, start with the first area, which is about how the two of you make decisions.

How we decide together

About family-of-origin reflection

  1. 1.What is one thing from your childhood you want to repeat with our child, and one you want to do differently?
  2. 2.When you picture yourself losing patience with our child, whose voice do you hear?
  3. 3.Is there anything about how I was raised that worries you or that you admire?

About major versus day-to-day decision rights

  1. 4.Which decisions feel big enough that neither of us should make them alone?
  2. 5.If I make a small call while you are not around, how do you want to hear about it?
  3. 6.Is there an area where one of us should simply have the final say?

About tie-breaking when we disagree

  1. 7.What has helped us settle disagreements before, and what has made them worse?
  2. 8.Would we rather defer to whoever knows more, try one option for a month, or ask a third person?
  3. 9.How will we know when a disagreement is important enough to slow down for?

About standards and gatekeeping

  1. 10.Is there anything about baby care you think there is only one right way to do?
  2. 11.How would you feel if I did it differently from you and it still worked fine?
  3. 12.What is a minimum standard we both need to follow, and what is up to whoever is doing it?

About default source of guidance

  1. 13.When two experts disagree, who do we each trust and why?
  2. 14.How much do we want to read and research ourselves versus follow our pediatrician?
  3. 15.What would make us change our mind about something we already decided?

Parenting philosophy and goals

About overall stance: warmth and structure

  1. 16.Which sounds closer to how you were raised: strict, warm with limits, or relaxed?
  2. 17.Where do you think we would each land between being firm and being gentle?
  3. 18.What would our child say about us in ten years if we got this balance right?

About top-priority value

  1. 19.If you could pick only one quality for our child to have, what would it be?
  2. 20.Which of those would you trade off if you had to?
  3. 21.How do we show that value in what we do, not just what we say?

Roles, work and the couple

About partnership model

  1. 22.What does an ideal week of work and care look like for each of us?
  2. 23.How do we each feel about the way our own parents split the work?
  3. 24.What would make this split feel fair to both of us in two years?

About how leave is split

  1. 25.Do we want to be off together at first, one after the other, or both?
  2. 26.What would the second parent want to be able to do alone with the baby?
  3. 27.How would our split change if the birth is difficult?

Newborn medical choices

About first-year vaccine schedule

  1. 28.Which schedule is our pediatrician following and are we comfortable with it?
  2. 29.What questions or worries do each of us have?
  3. 30.What would we do if we disagreed, and who can we ask to help us decide?

Feeding the baby

About milk source

  1. 31.What do we each hope for, and what would we do if it does not go the way we planned?
  2. 32.If breastfeeding is hard, how would we decide when to add formula?
  3. 33.How do we make sure no one feels judged for whatever works?

Sleep

About bed-sharing

  1. 34.What do we each think about sharing our bed with the baby?
  2. 35.What would we do if we both fall asleep with the baby by accident?
  3. 36.Are there conditions, like alcohol or medication, that would mean never?

Childcare and early learning

About who provides care in the first years

  1. 37.What do we each picture for the first years?
  2. 38.What does each option cost in money and in how we feel?
  3. 39.What would make us change the plan?

Extended family and community

About rules at the grandparents' house, and when they are ignored

  1. 40.Which rules must grandparents follow and which can bend?
  2. 41.How will we bring it up?
  3. 42.What would we do if they do not follow a safety rule?

Family size and siblings

About number of children, and when we are done

  1. 43.How many children does each of us picture?
  2. 44.What would make us want another, or stop?
  3. 45.How would we handle disagreeing on this?

Legal, financial and "what if" planning

About will and guardian nomination

  1. 46.Who would we both trust to raise our child, and who would be the backup?
  2. 47.What would we want that person to know about how we parent?
  3. 48.When will we make an appointment to write the will?

Last updated 2026-10-05.