How behavior changes

How behavior changes: what are the options?

Parents usually land on one of these 3 approaches.

1. 1. Rewards and consequences (behavioral programs)

   Good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior has consequences, as in structured parenting programs.

2. 2. A mix by age and situation

   You use rewards and consequences sometimes and conversation at other times, depending on the child and situation.

3. 3. Relationship and skill-building (Greene, Kennedy, Nelsen)

   You focus on the relationship and on teaching missing skills, an approach linked to Ross Greene, Becky Kennedy and Jane Nelsen.

How behavior changes: what does the evidence say?

Experts disagree. Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh.

Behavioral tools are best evidenced for ages 2-8 and clinical problems; the two approaches performed equally in trials with older children

Sources

• RCT

What else is worth knowing?

One view says behavior is shaped by what follows it: reward what you want, discourage what you do not. Another says difficult behavior shows a missing skill or an unmet need, so you teach and connect. Many parents use both, but knowing which you each lean on explains a lot of disagreements.

Questions to ask each other

• Do you think children learn mostly from rewards and consequences, or from understanding and connection?
• What worked on you as a child, and what backfired?
• How would we handle it if one of us believed in one approach and the other in another?

More in Parenting philosophy and goals

• Overall stance: warmth and structure
• Structure versus child-led
• Protection versus independence
• Top-priority value
• Achievement pressure
• Adult-centred or child-centred home