Struggle, frustration and failure
How much you let your child struggle and fail before helping, from clearing every obstacle to deliberately toughening them up.
Should we let our child struggle and fail?
In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: Clear the path; Help quickly; Scaffold, then step back; Default to independence; Deliberate toughening. Evidence: experts disagree. Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh. Best settled: toddler.
- Evidence
- Experts disagree
- Best settled
- Toddler
- Part of
- Raising the child
Struggle, frustration and failure: what are the options?
Parents usually land on one of these 5 approaches.
1. Clear the path
You remove difficulties before the child meets them.
2. Help quickly
You step in as soon as the child is stuck.
3. Scaffold, then step back
You give just enough help, then let them finish alone.
4. Default to independence
You let the child work it out unless they ask.
5. Deliberate toughening
You deliberately put the child in hard situations to build toughness.
Struggle, frustration and failure: what does the evidence say?
Experts disagree. Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh.
Overparenting correlates with anxiety and depression, but the evidence is mostly cross-sectional
Sources
What else is worth knowing?
Children build confidence by managing things that are a little hard. How quickly you step in decides how much practice they get. The balance is between protecting them and letting them learn they can cope.
Questions to ask each other
- How much do we want to help when our child is struggling?
- At what point would we step in to help?
- What lessons did we learn from failing as children?
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First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.