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Responding to big feelings

What you do when your child is upset, angry or sad: validating every feeling and limiting only behavior, acknowledging briefly, distracting, minimizing or disapproving.

How should we respond to our child's big feelings?

In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: Coach and validate every feeling, limit only behavior (Gottman, Kennedy); Acknowledge briefly and move on; Distract and cheer up; Minimize ("you're okay"); Disapprove ("stop crying"). Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: toddler.

Evidence
Evidence leans one way
Best settled
Toddler
Part of
Raising the child

Responding to big feelings: what are the options?

Parents usually land on one of these 5 approaches.

  1. 1. Coach and validate every feeling, limit only behavior (Gottman, Kennedy)

    You accept every feeling and help the child name it, and set limits only on what they do.

  2. 2. Acknowledge briefly and move on

    You notice the feeling in a word or two and carry on.

  3. 3. Distract and cheer up

    You try to lift the child's mood or turn their attention elsewhere.

  4. 4. Minimize ("you're okay")

    You reassure the child that it is not a big deal.

  5. 5. Disapprove ("stop crying")

    You tell the child to stop.

Responding to big feelings: what does the evidence say?

Evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

An emotion-coaching program improved child behavior in a randomized trial; CPS and AAP both say to help children manage feelings

Sources

What else is worth knowing?

How adults respond to a child's emotions teaches the child what to do with them. Emotion coaching means accepting the feeling while still limiting behavior. Many parents were raised to minimize or stop feelings and find a different approach takes practice.

Questions to ask each other

  • What happened in our families when we cried or got angry?
  • How do we want our child to feel when they have a big feeling?
  • What do we do when we do not know what to say?

More in Emotions and resilience

First published 2026-10-03. Last updated 2026-10-05. General information, not medical advice.