# If a child comes out or questions gender

**How will we respond if our child comes out or questions their gender?**

How you would respond if your child tells you they are gay or transgender, or are questioning their gender identity.

In short: Parents choose between 4 main approaches: Affirm and follow the child's lead; Supportive while taking time on any medical steps; Tolerant but discouraging; Rejecting. Evidence: experts disagree. Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh. Best settled: tween.

- Area: The teen years
- Evidence: Experts disagree
- Best settled: Tween
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/the-teen-years--if-a-child-comes-out-or-questions-gender

## If a child comes out or questions gender: what are the options?

1. **Affirm and follow the child's lead**: You accept what the child tells you and let them set the pace.
2. **Supportive while taking time on any medical steps**: You are supportive, and go slowly on any medical treatment.
3. **Tolerant but discouraging**: You accept the child but hope and hint they will change.
4. **Rejecting**: You refuse to accept it.

## If a child comes out or questions gender: what does the evidence say?

**Experts disagree.** Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh. (Contested (medical questions); leans on family acceptance)

On family response, the Family Acceptance Project found that LGBT young adults whose families were highly rejecting as teens were about eight times as likely to have attempted suicide and six times as likely to report clinically significant depression, a retrospective, self-reported association; the Trevor Project's non-random surveys likewise find fewer suicide attempts among youth with accepting adults. Medical questions are openly contested: the AAP reaffirmed its 2018 affirming-care policy and commissioned a new systematic review, while England's Cass Review (April 2024) rated the evidence as poor quality and favored psychological approaches, and a US HHS review (2025) called the evidence low-certainty and drew criticism from major medical bodies over its methods. Discussing a child's identity with a supportive clinician is separate from any medical step

Sources:

- [Ryan et al., via APA Monitor](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2009/03/orientation)
- [Family Acceptance Project](https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/family-acceptance-lgbt-adolescents-protects-against-depression-substance-abuse-and-suicidal)
- [Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/research-briefs/accepting-adults-reduce-suicide-attempts-among-lgbtq-youth/)
- [KFF on the HHS report](https://www.kff.org/lgbtq/u-s-department-of-health-and-human-services-report-on-pediatric-gender-dysphoria-and-gender-conversion-efforts/)
- [AAP News](https://publications.aap.org/aapnews/news/25340/AAP-reaffirms-gender-affirming-care-policy)

## What else is worth knowing?

Some children will tell their parents they are gay, bisexual or transgender, or that they are unsure. Research consistently links family acceptance with better mental health and rejection with much higher risk. Medical questions for transgender youth are separate, debated, and handled with specialists.

## Questions to ask each other

- How would we want our child to feel the day they tell us?
- What would we say first?
- Where would we turn for support, and what do we need to learn?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=the-teen-years&topic=the-teen-years--if-a-child-comes-out-or-questions-gender