# Top-priority value

**What matters most to us in raising our child?**

The one value you would put first if you had to choose: kindness, achievement, happiness, independence, or obedience and respect. It quietly steers many everyday decisions.

In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: Kindness first; Achievement first; Happiness first; Independence first; Respect and obedience first. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: during pregnancy.

- Area: Parenting philosophy and goals
- Evidence: Your call
- Best settled: During pregnancy
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/parenting-philosophy-and-goals--top-priority-value

## Top-priority value: what are the options?

1. **Kindness first**: Being caring and considerate toward others comes before everything else.
2. **Achievement first**: Doing well at school and in activities is the main goal.
3. **Happiness first**: Your child's happiness is what matters most.
4. **Independence first**: Being able to think and manage for themselves is the priority.
5. **Respect and obedience first**: Listening to adults and showing respect comes first.

## Top-priority value: what does the evidence say?

**Your call.** No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.

About 80% of 10,000 students said their parents care more about achievement or happiness than about caring for others

Sources:

- [Making Caring Common](https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/children-mean-raise)

## What else is worth knowing?

You probably want all of these for your child, but everyday decisions often force a choice between them, such as kindness versus winning, or obedience versus speaking up. Naming your first priority, and seeing whether your partner names the same one, makes those moments easier.

## Questions to ask each other

- If you could pick only one quality for our child to have, what would it be?
- Which of those would you trade off if you had to?
- How do we show that value in what we do, not just what we say?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=parenting-philosophy-and-goals&topic=parenting-philosophy-and-goals--top-priority-value