# How behavior changes

**How do children actually learn to behave?**

Your theory of how children learn to behave: through rewards and consequences, through a mix, or through the relationship and teaching skills. It shapes every discipline decision that follows.

In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: Rewards and consequences (behavioral programs); A mix by age and situation; Relationship and skill-building (Greene, Kennedy, Nelsen). Evidence: experts disagree. Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh. Best settled: toddler.

- Area: Parenting philosophy and goals
- Evidence: Experts disagree
- Best settled: Toddler
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/parenting-philosophy-and-goals--how-behavior-changes

## How behavior changes: what are the options?

1. **Rewards and consequences (behavioral programs)**: Good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior has consequences, as in structured parenting programs.
2. **A mix by age and situation**: You use rewards and consequences sometimes and conversation at other times, depending on the child and situation.
3. **Relationship and skill-building (Greene, Kennedy, Nelsen)**: You focus on the relationship and on teaching missing skills, an approach linked to Ross Greene, Becky Kennedy and Jane Nelsen.

## How behavior changes: what does the evidence say?

**Experts disagree.** Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh.

Behavioral tools are best evidenced for ages 2-8 and clinical problems; the two approaches performed equally in trials with older children

Sources:

- [RCT](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/365237909_Community-Delivered_Collaborative_and_Proactive_Solutions_and_Parent_Management_Training_for_Oppositional_Youth_A_Randomized_Trial)

## What else is worth knowing?

One view says behavior is shaped by what follows it: reward what you want, discourage what you do not. Another says difficult behavior shows a missing skill or an unmet need, so you teach and connect. Many parents use both, but knowing which you each lean on explains a lot of disagreements.

## Questions to ask each other

- Do you think children learn mostly from rewards and consequences, or from understanding and connection?
- What worked on you as a child, and what backfired?
- How would we handle it if one of us believed in one approach and the other in another?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=parenting-philosophy-and-goals&topic=parenting-philosophy-and-goals--how-behavior-changes