# If the child is not who we expected (temperament, interests, ability, gender expression)

**What if our child turns out different from what we expected?**

Talking about how you would respond if your child turns out different from what you imagined in personality, interests, abilities or gender expression.

In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: Adapt our expectations to the child; Hold expectations, adjust methods; Steer the child toward our hopes. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: during pregnancy.

- Area: Legal, financial and "what if" planning
- Evidence: Your call
- Best settled: During pregnancy
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/legal-financial-and-what-if-planning--if-the-child-is-not-who-we-expected-temperament-interests-ability-gender-expression

## If the child is not who we expected: what are the options?

1. **Adapt our expectations to the child**: You change what you hoped for to fit the child you have.
2. **Hold expectations, adjust methods**: You keep your hopes and change how you get there.
3. **Steer the child toward our hopes**: You guide the child toward what you had in mind.

## If the child is not who we expected: what does the evidence say?

**Your call.** No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.

No source reviewed asks this directly; a gap in the field

## What else is worth knowing?

Every parent imagines a child, and the real child is always different in some way. The question is how much you adjust your hopes and how much you steer. Naming your expectations now makes them easier to notice later.

## Questions to ask each other

- What do we imagine our child will be like and where do those pictures come from?
- How would we respond if they were very different?
- How do we make sure they feel loved as they are?

---

General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=legal-financial-and-what-if-planning&topic=legal-financial-and-what-if-planning--if-the-child-is-not-who-we-expected-temperament-interests-ability-gender-expression