# Shared developmental expectations

**How do we agree on what to expect of our child at each age?**

Having the same picture of what a baby, toddler or child can realistically do at each age, so one of you is not expecting a two-year-old to behave like a five-year-old.

In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: Learn together (class, book, milestone checklists); One parent is the researcher; Learn as we go. Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: during pregnancy.

- Area: How we decide together
- Evidence: Evidence leans one way
- Best settled: During pregnancy
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/how-we-decide-together--shared-developmental-expectations

## Shared developmental expectations: what are the options?

1. **Learn together (class, book, milestone checklists)**: You both learn what to expect at each age, through a class, a book or milestone lists.
2. **One parent is the researcher**: One of you reads up and passes on what matters to the other.
3. **Learn as we go**: You figure it out as your child grows, without studying ahead.

## Shared developmental expectations: what does the evidence say?

**Evidence leans one way.** Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

56% of parents think children have impulse control before 3; it develops at 3.5 to 4

Sources:

- [ZERO TO THREE](https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/national-parent-survey-overview-and-key-insights/)

## What else is worth knowing?

A lot of conflict between parents, and with children, comes from expecting more than a child can do at that age. Having the same information about what is typical means you respond to the same behavior in the same way. It also makes it easier to tell when something needs a professional opinion.

## Questions to ask each other

- What do you expect a baby or toddler to be able to do at each age, and where did you learn that?
- Should we both take a class or read the same book so we start from the same picture?
- What is a behavior you think is a problem that might just be normal for the age?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=how-we-decide-together&topic=how-we-decide-together--shared-developmental-expectations