# Affection and consent

**Should children have to hug and kiss relatives?**

Whether a child must hug or kiss relatives, or is always allowed to choose, which shapes how they learn about their own boundaries.

In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: Child always chooses (no forced hugs); Encouraged, not forced; Expected as manners with relatives. Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: toddler.

- Area: Health, body and toileting
- Evidence: Evidence leans one way
- Best settled: Toddler
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/health-body-and-toileting--affection-and-consent

## Affection and consent: what are the options?

1. **Child always chooses (no forced hugs)**: The child decides every time whether to hug or kiss someone.
2. **Encouraged, not forced**: You encourage affection but never make the child do it.
3. **Expected as manners with relatives**: The child is expected to hug or kiss relatives as good manners.

## Affection and consent: what does the evidence say?

**Evidence leans one way.** Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. (Leans; cultural values)

AAP: children may decline hugs and kisses, even from grandparents

Sources:

- [Contemporary Pediatrics](https://www.contemporarypediatrics.com/view/aap-tips-for-teaching-children-about-body-boundaries-and-safety)

## What else is worth knowing?

Letting a child refuse a hug teaches them that their body is their own. Some relatives see refusal as rude. You can offer alternatives such as a wave or a high-five.

## Questions to ask each other

- How do we feel when our child does not want to hug a relative?
- What will we say to relatives who expect a kiss?
- How will we teach our child that their body is theirs?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=health-body-and-toileting&topic=health-body-and-toileting--affection-and-consent