# Fairness between siblings

**Should we treat siblings equally?**

Whether you treat siblings strictly equally, give each what they need, or set privileges by age and stage.

In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: Strict equality; Equity by need; Privileges by age and stage. Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: toddler.

- Area: Family size and siblings
- Evidence: Evidence leans one way
- Best settled: Toddler
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/family-size-and-siblings--fairness-between-siblings

## Fairness between siblings: what are the options?

1. **Strict equality**: Each child gets exactly the same.
2. **Equity by need**: Each child gets what they need, which may differ.
3. **Privileges by age and stage**: Older children get more freedoms than younger ones.

## Fairness between siblings: what does the evidence say?

**Evidence leans one way.** Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

Children tend to be sensitive to fairness, but unequal treatment is not automatically harmful. In a study of 135 children (average age 12) and their older siblings, preferential treatment from parents went with fewer emotional problems and higher self-esteem only when the child saw it as fair, and children who got better treatment they thought they did not deserve could suffer; children judged 78% of the preferential treatment they described as fair, mostly when the reasoning was understood. That points toward explaining the reasons for differences over strict equality, though this is one correlational study

Sources:

- [Kowal et al., 2002](https://bpb-us-e1.wpmucdn.com/sites.northeastern.edu/dist/d/3128/files/2023/05/Kowal-Kramer-Krull-Crick-JFP-2002.pdf)
- [summary from the University of Illinois team](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/607631)

## What else is worth knowing?

Children watch closely for unequal treatment. Treating each child exactly the same is one approach; giving each what they need is another. Explaining your reasons matters more than the method.

## Questions to ask each other

- Did we feel treated fairly as children?
- What does fair mean when children are different ages?
- How do we explain differences?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=family-size-and-siblings&topic=family-size-and-siblings--fairness-between-siblings