# Where self-esteem comes from

**How do we build our child's self-esteem?**

What you think builds a child's sense of worth: frequent affirmation, warmth with honest feedback, real responsibility, or achievement.

In short: Parents choose between 4 main approaches: Frequent affirmation of specialness; Unconditional warmth plus realistic feedback; Competence and contribution (chores, real responsibility); Approval contingent on achievement. Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: preschool.

- Area: Emotions and resilience
- Evidence: Evidence leans one way
- Best settled: Preschool
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/emotions-and-resilience--where-self-esteem-comes-from

## Where self-esteem comes from: what are the options?

1. **Frequent affirmation of specialness**: You often tell the child how special and talented they are.
2. **Unconditional warmth plus realistic feedback**: You love them no matter what, and are honest about what they did well or not.
3. **Competence and contribution (chores, real responsibility)**: The child earns confidence by doing real, useful things.
4. **Approval contingent on achievement**: Your approval depends on how well the child performs.

## Where self-esteem comes from: what does the evidence say?

**Evidence leans one way.** Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

Inflated praise predicted lower self-esteem

Sources:

- [Brummelman et al.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/cdev.12936)

## What else is worth knowing?

Parents hold different beliefs about what makes a child feel worthwhile: being told so, being loved regardless, or achieving and contributing. These beliefs shape how you praise and what you expect. They are worth comparing, because they are rarely discussed.

## Questions to ask each other

- What made you feel good about yourself as a child?
- How do we want to build confidence in our child?
- How do we feel about telling them they are special?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=emotions-and-resilience&topic=emotions-and-resilience--where-self-esteem-comes-from