# The parent's own regulation and repair

**How do we stay calm as parents, and repair things after we lose it?**

How you handle your own anger and stress, and whether you apologize and make things right with your child after losing your temper.

In short: Parents choose between 3 main approaches: Aim never to lose your temper; Lose it sometimes and repair; Not a focus. Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: ongoing.

- Area: Emotions and resilience
- Evidence: Evidence leans one way
- Best settled: Ongoing
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/emotions-and-resilience--the-parent-s-own-regulation-and-repair

## The parent's own regulation and repair: what are the options?

1. **Aim never to lose your temper**: Your goal is to stay calm every time.
2. **Lose it sometimes and repair**: You accept you will lose your temper sometimes, and you apologize and reconnect.
3. **Not a focus**: You do not think much about your own reactions.

## The parent's own regulation and repair: what does the evidence say?

**Evidence leans one way.** Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

41% of parents say most days they are too stressed to function; self-critical gentle parents report burnout

Sources:

- [US Surgeon General](https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/parents-under-pressure.pdf)
- [EurekAlert](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/1052396)

## What else is worth knowing?

Children learn how to handle feelings by watching you handle yours. No one stays calm all the time. Repairing after you lose your temper, by apologizing and reconnecting, shows a child how to recover from conflict.

## Questions to ask each other

- What does it look like when each of us is stretched too thin?
- How can we tell each other we need a break?
- How do we want to repair things with our child?

---

General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=emotions-and-resilience&topic=emotions-and-resilience--the-parent-s-own-regulation-and-repair