# Struggle, frustration and failure

**Should we let our child struggle and fail?**

How much you let your child struggle and fail before helping, from clearing every obstacle to deliberately toughening them up.

In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: Clear the path; Help quickly; Scaffold, then step back; Default to independence; Deliberate toughening. Evidence: experts disagree. Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh. Best settled: toddler.

- Area: Emotions and resilience
- Evidence: Experts disagree
- Best settled: Toddler
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/emotions-and-resilience--struggle-frustration-and-failure

## Struggle, frustration and failure: what are the options?

1. **Clear the path**: You remove difficulties before the child meets them.
2. **Help quickly**: You step in as soon as the child is stuck.
3. **Scaffold, then step back**: You give just enough help, then let them finish alone.
4. **Default to independence**: You let the child work it out unless they ask.
5. **Deliberate toughening**: You deliberately put the child in hard situations to build toughness.

## Struggle, frustration and failure: what does the evidence say?

**Experts disagree.** Credible bodies or researchers disagree — decide whose guidance you'll weigh.

Overparenting correlates with anxiety and depression, but the evidence is mostly cross-sectional

Sources:

- [systematic review](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9176408/)

## What else is worth knowing?

Children build confidence by managing things that are a little hard. How quickly you step in decides how much practice they get. The balance is between protecting them and letting them learn they can cope.

## Questions to ask each other

- How much do we want to help when our child is struggling?
- At what point would we step in to help?
- What lessons did we learn from failing as children?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=emotions-and-resilience&topic=emotions-and-resilience--struggle-frustration-and-failure