# Responding to big feelings

**How should we respond to our child's big feelings?**

What you do when your child is upset, angry or sad: validating every feeling and limiting only behavior, acknowledging briefly, distracting, minimizing or disapproving.

In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: Coach and validate every feeling, limit only behavior (Gottman, Kennedy); Acknowledge briefly and move on; Distract and cheer up; Minimize ("you're okay"); Disapprove ("stop crying"). Evidence: evidence leans one way. Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational. Best settled: toddler.

- Area: Emotions and resilience
- Evidence: Evidence leans one way
- Best settled: Toddler
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/emotions-and-resilience--responding-to-big-feelings

## Responding to big feelings: what are the options?

1. **Coach and validate every feeling, limit only behavior (Gottman, Kennedy)**: You accept every feeling and help the child name it, and set limits only on what they do.
2. **Acknowledge briefly and move on**: You notice the feeling in a word or two and carry on.
3. **Distract and cheer up**: You try to lift the child's mood or turn their attention elsewhere.
4. **Minimize ("you're okay")**: You reassure the child that it is not a big deal.
5. **Disapprove ("stop crying")**: You tell the child to stop.

## Responding to big feelings: what does the evidence say?

**Evidence leans one way.** Research or guidance points in a direction, but it's thin, small or correlational.

An emotion-coaching program improved child behavior in a randomized trial; CPS and AAP both say to help children manage feelings

Sources:

- [Scientific Reports](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-024-55689-z)

## What else is worth knowing?

How adults respond to a child's emotions teaches the child what to do with them. Emotion coaching means accepting the feeling while still limiting behavior. Many parents were raised to minimize or stop feelings and find a different approach takes practice.

## Questions to ask each other

- What happened in our families when we cried or got angry?
- How do we want our child to feel when they have a big feeling?
- What do we do when we do not know what to say?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=emotions-and-resilience&topic=emotions-and-resilience--responding-to-big-feelings