# Authority: obedience or negotiation

**Should our child obey, or do we negotiate?**

How much children are expected to simply obey versus how much rules are explained, chosen or negotiated with them.

In short: Parents choose between 5 main approaches: "Because I said so"; Firm rules with explanation; Choices within limits; Most rules negotiated (Greene); Child-led. Evidence: your call. No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide. Best settled: toddler.

- Area: Discipline and behavior
- Evidence: Your call
- Best settled: Toddler
- First published: 2026-10-03
- Last updated: 2026-10-05
- Page: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/topics/discipline-and-behavior--authority-obedience-or-negotiation

## Authority: obedience or negotiation: what are the options?

1. **"Because I said so"**: Children do what they are told without needing a reason.
2. **Firm rules with explanation**: The rules are fixed, and you explain why.
3. **Choices within limits**: The child chooses between options you are happy with.
4. **Most rules negotiated (Greene)**: You work out most rules together with the child.
5. **Child-led**: The child largely sets their own rules.

## Authority: obedience or negotiation: what does the evidence say?

**Your call.** No outcome evidence picks a winner. Preference, culture, money and logistics decide.

AAP: clear, consistent rules, choices within limits, listen to the child

Sources:

- [HealthyChildren.org](https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx)

## What else is worth knowing?

This is about how much say a child has. Some families expect compliance; others explain every rule or let children choose within limits. Where you sit often reflects how you were raised.

## Questions to ask each other

- How much do we want our child to just do what we say?
- When is it okay for our child to argue with a rule?
- How will we explain our rules and still keep them?

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General information, not medical advice. Two parents can each answer this and compare: https://www.raisingyourchild.com/explore?cat=discipline-and-behavior&topic=discipline-and-behavior--authority-obedience-or-negotiation